Arse guns, jobby slides and testicle blow dries; using the toilet in South East Asia is most certainly an experience.
From the tap water to the food, the good news is that nearly everything you encounter on a visit to Asia will either cause a continuous back door explosion or a complete blockage/jam worse than the rush hour traffic in Ho Chi Minh.
Speaking of Ho Chi Minh, at the bus station you will find a number of things: lots smiling faces, some shops selling water, mosquitoes, topless bus drivers doing laps up and down the pavement, and somewhat more excitingly the jobby slide or as it is also known – the squat toilet. With full disclosure the only time I’ve taken my clothes off before going for a shit was a hangover jobby of doom. Knowing that you were soon to enter the arena and fight for your life meant you needed the freedom of being as naked as the day you came into the world. Here however, taking your shorts/underwear off is an important safety step, especially on your first few times of using the jobby slide. Think of it like a messed (potentially very messed up) up amusement game. 100 points to win a prize, in this case non ruined underwear.
Having never used a bidet before primarily due to the fact that I don’t think anyone in Scotland has one, or if they do then it’s kept quiet for fear of being labelled a nonce and/or sexual deviant, the arse gun certainly took some time to not only get used to, but build up the courage to use. While it certainly takes getting used to, the arse water gun has a surprisingly good effect not just on keeping your ring piece clean, but also psychologically. There is nothing more demoralising than getting up, showering, and then ten minutes post shower having to go for a shit. Shower ruined. With an arse gun however, that problem is solved. Quick squirt around and then off you go, as clean as when you first got out the shower. What a time to be alive. Just be sure to try the pressure in the bowl first. More than once I have encountered one with enough pressure to powerwash your tiles…and that is not a euphemism.
Taking the water gun a step further is the all in one, all singing all dancing remote control toilet. This beauty was encountered in Bangkok while visiting the Terminal 21 shopping centre. A number of various settings for things like: pressure, angle, spray or fountain mode are all available, but the true majesty of this toilet is the blow dry setting. No longer sitting waiting for your arse to stop dripping, you can give your back door and genitals the spa treatment they deserve. The feeling is one akin to a warm breeze on a midsummer day. You can almost picture the rabbits frolicking, the rainbow emanating across the sky, and the smell of the heather…or maybe that just singed arse hair and pubes. Shortly after using this toilet the earthquake hit Bangkok, perhaps this technology is too much for the modern world.
It is not just toilets in the wild that you need to be careful of. Somewhat ironically I am writing this while staying at The Twizt hostel in Siem Reap, Cambodia. The hostel itself is all frill nae knickers, a ‘cheap’ private room with the charming motif of a prison cell. The main issue however is that my room, 142, is about 10,000 steps away from the bathroom. Which is not ideal when your arse decides to start leaking like a river with a burst dam. At this point I would offer some sage advice like be mindful of where you stay but how you would know in advance that Angkor Wat itself is closer to my room than the fucking bathroom.
It has certainly been quite an experience in the short amount of time that I have been in Asia. If I can offer any useful advice at all it’s this: active charcoal, anti-shit tablets (or Imodium as it’s otherwise known), anti-bacterial hand gel (flashback to the good old Covid days), and an emergency travel toilet roll, or at the bare minimum a pack of tissues – the amount of toilets without toilet roll or a jobby gun is more than you’d expect. Rehydration sachets are also a decent shout given how much you’ll be shitting and sweating…probably at the same time. Finally, if you are thinking of experiencing the bizarre madness that is South East Asia and I highly recommend you do, then a good lower body mobility and workout plan prior to coming will stand (get it) you in good stead.
Thanks for reading